Deadline!

Episode Number: 216

Episode Title:

Description: This week's unique news and events like you have never seen them before.

Transcript:

THIS WEEK CROWNING CONFUSION AND A PISSED OFF MRS. GIRLS THAT LIKE IT FAST AND ROUGH. AND THE DANGER FACTOR OF A GRADE SCHOOL GAME.

WELCOME TO DEADLINE. I'M KATIE DARYL. FOR ALL OF YOU WHO GET COLD FEET JUST THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE? REMEMBER, TYING THE KNOT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE LIFE IS OVER. JUST THE FUN PART! NO, I'M KIDDING. AFTER ALL, THESE MARRIED LADIES ARE HAVING A FINE TIME. ELABORATE COSTUMES AMPLE CLEAVAGE THIS IS A BEAUTY PAGEANT OF GLOBAL PROPORTIONS IT'S MRS. WORLD 2006 IN ST. PETERSBURG RUSSIA THAT'S MRS. AS IN MARRIED. " Welcome to the first, original competition HOSTED BY 80'S T-V DAD ALAN THICKE! SO YOU KNOW IT'S A REAL PAGEANT " Mrs Poland!" THE CONTESTANTS ARE WHITTLED DOWN TO NINE " Mrs America!" YEAH! U-S-A! U-S-A! AND THEN THE FIELD DROPS TO SIX " Mrs. Thailand, Mrs. America, Mrs. Spain, all three of you are eliminated at this point." BOOOOOO! HEY DUDE, WHAT'RE YOU LAUGHING AT? SERIOUSLY? TAKE A BREATH. HOMETOWN FAVORITE MRS. RUSSIA GETS BIG CHEERS DESPITE STALLING ON HER QUESTION AND DROPPING HER SARONG NICE MOVE BUT WE STILL KNOW YOU DROPPED IT NOW IT'S DOWN TO THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AND THE CONTESTANTS CAN HARDLY CONTAIN THEMSELVES DAMN LOOK AT MRS. NORWAY GO!

" The fifth runner up Mrs. Poland" MRS. POLAND GONE MRS. CHINA OUT MRS. KENYA MRS. FINLAND SEE YA'! " The first runner up is Mrs. Costa Rica, Mrs. World 2006, Mrs. Russia!" YAY! A WIN FOR THE HOME COUNTRY BUT HEY WHY ARE THEY CROWNING MRS. COSTA RICA? ALAN SAID MRS. RUSSIA WON. MRS. RUSSIA! HELLO? APPARENTLY THAT GOT LOST IN THE TRANSLATION DAMN THIS IS AWKWARD. MRS. COSTA RICA DOESN'T LOOK TOO UPSET BUT CHECK OUT MRS. RUSSIA OH, COME ON, YOU WON! HEY SOMEONE SHOULD BE CONSOLING MRS. COSTA RICA THERE IS A SILVER LINING FOR MISS COSTA RICA. IF SHE GETS HERSELF KNOCKED UP, SHE MAY BE ABLE TO NEGOTIATE A SWEET DEAL WITH MR. COSTA RICA. SEE, A NEW STUDY SAYS STAY-AT- HOME MOMS DESERVE A RAISE! TO MORE THAN 134-THOUSAND DOLLARS. AND FOR MORE ON THAT, WE GO TO OUR DEADLINE CORRESPONDENT IN NEW YORK. SHE IS # SUCH# A GOOD REPORTER AND SO GOOD LOOKIN. HERE I AM IN TIME SQUARE NEW YORK CITY BABY, THE BIG APPLE. MOMMIES, WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR? LET'S GO FIND OUT. SALARY.COM SAID THAT IF THE STAY AT HOME MOM WAS TO BE PAID, HER SALARY BASED ON THE TYPE OF WORK SHE DOES WOULD BE WORTH 134,000. A LOT OR TOO LITTLE? I THINK WE ARE WORTH A LOT MORE. I WAS GOING TO SAY ABOUT $150,000 BECAUSE I HAVE FOUR CHILDREN AND I STAY AT HOME AND IT IS A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF WORK. MOST IMPORTANT JOB YOU WILL EVER DO. DON'T TRY AND TALK ME INTO WOMAN, I'M NOT GOING THERE. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT THE HOUSEWIFE IS WORTH THESE DAYS? WELL I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON WHAT THE ALTERNATIVES ARE FOR THE INDIVIDUAL. IF YOU WERE TO ESTIMATE THE NUMBER OF HOURS THE INDIVIDUAL IS WORKING, PROBABLY MORE LIKE $250,000 IN THIS, CERTAINLY IN MANHATTAN. WELL, I ALSO HAVE FOUR CHILDREN SO AND I WAS ABLE TO STAY HOME MOST OF MY LIFE WITH THEM WOW ARE YOU GUYS, OH I WAS GOING TO SAY IS THIS LIKE MY TWO MOMMIES? ARE YOU LIKE AN ECONOMIST? NO, I'M NOT. YOU LOOK SMART, IT MIGHT BE THE BOW TIE. BOW TIE SAYS SMART. NO BOWTIE THERE! IN NEWS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, GEORGE W. BUSH HAS BEEN TAKING TIME FOR REFLECTION. A REPORTER FROM A GERMAN NEWSPAPER ASKED MR. BUSH TO NAME THE MOST WONDERFUL MOMENT OF HIS PRESIDENCY. THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD DUG DEEP, AND CAME UP WITH A FISH. FOR THE DETAILS, WE GO TO DEADLINE'S BOBBLEHEAD THEATER.

Bush: heh. Heh-heh. I would say the best moment was when I caught a 7 1/2-pound largemouth bass on my lake. German reporter: You're choosing a fish over the liberation of Baghdad, sir? Bush: That's right. That's my decision. I'm the decider. German Reporter: You can't think of anything better than a fish? Bush: Well there was that time Cheney shot a guy, and I wasn't involved. That was good too. Heh. Heh heh.

Here's a guy who knows what it's like to be a fish The ultimate bubble boy has spent the last week in New York, on display just like he likes it

THIS MUST BE WHAT LIFE IS LIKE IN A SNOW GLOBE MINUS THE SNOW FOR THE PAST WEEK MERMAN MAGICIAN DAVID BLAINE HAS FLOATED AND WAVED AT NEW YORK'S LINCOLN CENTER PROVING HE'S WILLING TO DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR PUBLICITY " It's the easiest way to get attention." " Oh, it's crazy" (laughter) " I don't think he's crazy, I think he takes himself too seriously. He's a businessman. He's not crazy.

P-R STUNT OR NOT ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SEE SIR SOGGY THERE ARE THOSE WHO VIEW HIM AS THEY WOULD A ZOO EXHIBIT " We saw them feed him. They dropped a big plastic bag down with a long tube." THERE ARE THE KINDRED SPIRITS " I'm a daredevil myself. Well I just do tricks on the swing at school. AND THE NAYSAYERS " Isn't it a little bit of a cop out that he has a helmet on? I mean, if you're going to be in water, shouldn't you be in water?" WOW! SHE'S HARSH! I LIKE HER. DAVID'S BIG CLIMAX WAS AN ATTEMPT TO BREAK THE WORLD RECORD FOR BREATH HOLDING MAYBE AFTER A WEEK OF THIS HE THOUGHT HE'D GROW GILLS. David Blaine held his breath for 7 minutes 8 seconds not good enough. The record is nearly 9 minutes. I STOPPED BY THE TANK TO SAY HELLO, BUT FRANKLY I GOT KIND OF GROSSED OUT BY ALL THE PRUNY SKIN, HIS FEET WERE REALLY GROSS SO I LEFT. AND BY THE WAY, DAVID, DIDN'T YOU PROMISE YOU'D BREAK THE RECORD OR DROWN??? FAR AS I KNOW, YOU'RE STILL WALKING AROUND! LIAR. I HATE LIARS. AND I HATE DAVID BLAINE ANYWAY, HOLDING YOUR BREATH FOR A LONG TIME IS NO BIGGIE. A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN DO IT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR SMOKIN THE GANJA AND THESE PEACE LOVING TYPES JUST WANT US ALL TO GIVE REFER A CHANCE MAN.

" Mava marijuana. Mava marijuana" BELIEVE IT OR NOT THIS IS A TRADITION " I like marijuana you like marijuana, we like marijuana." FOR THE PAST 30 YEARS PEOPLE IN NEW YORK HAVE BEEN MARCHING AND CHANTING FOR THE LEGAL RIGHT TO LIGHT UP A DOOBIE " No cocaine, marijuana. No coke, no dope, just marijuana." " smoke the weed, baby. Smoke the weed!" THIS IS PRETTY WELL ORGANIZED ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE PLANNERS ARE A BUNCH OF POTHEADS AND THESE TOURISTS GETS A GREAT # WEIRD NEW YORK# STORY TO TELL THEIR FRIENDS BACK HOME " We smoke pot and we like it a lot." THE COPS ARE HERE TO KEEP THE PEACE BUT THESE PROTESTORS ARE ALL PRETTY MELLOW I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY SURELY THAT'S JUST UMM TOBACCO THEY'RE ROLLING AND SMOKING AND PASSING AROUND THEN AGAIN I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE BIT GIDDY THIS IS KIND OF LIKE BEING AT A PHISH CONCERT " I'd like everyone to turn in their bibles to Exodus chapter 30 what you didn't bring your bible?" EXCEPT FOR THE BIBLE STUFF I WONDER WHAT WOULD JESUS SMOKE? " The lord cries for every single soul here! BOOs HEY WE'RE ALL JUST OPENING OUR MINDS HERE CHILL! " The lord is crying for you!" YOU'RE KILLING MY BUZZ MAN

OK WHO GAVE HER THE BAD BUD? ROLLER SKATING MAY TAKE YOU BACK TO JUNIOR HIGH, HOLDING HANDS DURING THE SLOW SKATE, FALLING ON YOUR ASS. WELL, AT LEAST ON OF THOSE SWEET MEMORIES IS BEING RE-LIVED BY AN EVER-GROWING FEMALE POPULATION.

OH THE PAIN OF ROLLER DERBY! THIS IS THE KANSAS CITY CLUB KNOWN AS THE BAY CITY ROLLER WARRIORS YEAH THEY'RE ALL WOMEN TOUGH WOMEN " Having bumps and bruises are definitely part of it. " I'm not a very nice player. I like to hit people when they're not looking and I like to knock them on their ass." " It is Dirty Britches for the knockout!" WHAT A BITCH! WELL I GUESS THAT IS WHAT ROLLER DERBY IS ALL ABOUT " whistle" TWO TEAMS OF FIVE RACING AROUND A TRACK KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES LATER NOT THAT YOU'D REALLY WANT TO TAKE SOME OF THEIR NAMES LIKE LOIS PAYNE " We come up with our skate names, it's something we do on our own, it's usually something personal." SNOT ROCKET

" I had a lot of snot in my nose and I blew a snot rocket and I was trying to come up with my name, and they said, wow, you're really fast like a snot rocket. You're slick." OH AND DIRTY BRITCHES " When I skate real hard and I fall down, I pee my pants. So Dirty Britches is appropriate." OKAY SO WATCH OUT FOR THE PISS SLICK AND FOR FLAILING SKATES! THE CROWD IS SOMETIMES RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACTION

OOOO BITCH FIGHT ! BITCH FIGHT! I THINK I NEED TO JOIN THIS CLUB!

YOU KNOW I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP WITH A NAME, OH HOW ABOUT DANGEROUS DARYL NAH THAT ONE IS KIND OF TOO CUTE, KILLER KATIE, KIND OF STUPID. BITCH SLAPPER! YES. I'M AM TOTALLY BITCH SLAPPER. WHEN DEADLINE COMES BACK, IS JUMPING ON COUCHES JUST PRACTICE FOR A CAREER DIVE? AND 300 PEOPLE ALL GO AFTER EACH OTHER'S POLES. STICK AROUND. WHEN A MOVIE OPENS WITH A 48- MILLION DOLLAR WEEKEND, IT'S HARD TO CALL IT A STINKER. BUT MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THREE DIDN'T LIVE UP TO ITS PREDECESSOR, AND THAT BEGS THE QUESTION: IS THE EVER-BANKABLE TOM CRUISE LOSING HIS MOJO? AND DO ANY OF US REALLY CARE? BUT BEFORE YOU GO CRYING HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. HOLLYWOOD'S 100 MILLION DOLLAR MAN MADE QUITE THE ENTRANCE AT THE FILMS LOS ANGELES PREMIER AND LOOK WHAT A GENTLEMAN TOM IS OPENING THE DOOR FOR KATIE HOLMES, THE MOMBOT OF HIS OFFSPRING. THAT'S RIGHT KATIE! DON'T LET HIM IN, DRIVE AWAY, DRIVE! DAMN. IT'S BEEN AWHILE, KATIE CAN MAKE NOISE NOW, OOHH GOODIE. MAYBE SHE CAN ASK AROUND ABOUT CHILD CUSTODY LAWYERS, HMMM. I WONDER IF DENISE RICHARDS IS HERE SOMEWHERE. ANYONE? ANYONE? AND JUST TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS, NICOLE KIDMAN HAS PUT THE WORD OUT THAT SHE STILL THINKS TOM IS THE SHEEAT. IN AN INTERVIEW WITH LADIES HOME JOURNAL CRUISES AUSSIE EX SAYS SHE STILL LOVES HIM. AW. I'M CONFUSED. SO IT MUST BE TIME FOR DEADLINE TO ASK THE BURNING QUESTION: WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING??? NICOLE, THIS SENDS THE WRONG MESSAGE TO GORGEOUS WOMEN EVERYWHERE! YOU DON'T NEED THIS CRAP, GIRLFRIEND! DID YOU NOT HEAR HIM JOKE ABOUT EATING A PLACENTA? THAT WAS A JOKE, RIGHT? I SWEAR I NEED TO SHAKE SOME COMMON SENSE INTO THESE PEOPLE. AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. NOW EVERYONE'S FAVORITE SKELETAL CELEBUTANTE TO MAKE FUN OF IS FINALLY ADMITTING SHE HAS A PROBLEM. NICOLE RICHIE TELLS VANITY FAIR SHE'S TOO SKINNY AND SHE'S WORKING WITH PROFESSIONALS TO GAIN WEIGHT. SHE SAYS SHE WOULDN'T WANT LITTLE GIRLS TO WANT TO LOOK LIKE HER THOUGH I DON'T THINK THERE WAS MUCH DANGER OF THAT. APPARENTLY SHE LOST HER APPETITE WHEN SHE LOST HER FIANCE D-J A-M. NOW THAT THE TWO ARE DATING AGAIN, SHE SHOULD BE BACK UP TO A PLUMP 85 POUNDS IN NO TIME! I HAVE AN IDEA FOR FATTENING NICOLE UP. LET'S SEND HER TO ITALY, WHERE THE FOOD AND WINE ARE AS PLENTIFUL AS THE HOT BURLY MEN. I MEAN, ANY COUNTRY THAT CAN TAKE AN ARTICHOKE AND BUILD A WHOLE FESTIVAL AROUND IT HAS GOT TO BE UP TO THE TASK. MANGIA, EVERYBODY. MANGIA! PEELING CUTTING SOAKING UHG! SUCH IS THE DEATH OF AN ARTICHOKE BUT AS ITS GROWING ENDS THE FUN FOR ARTICHOKE LOVERS BEGINS

THIS FESTIVAL IN LADISPOLI FEATURES AN ARTICHOKE SUNDAE THE ARTICHOKE COLISEUM A POSSIBLE PILE OF ARTICHOKE POO AND TWO POPULAR SLOW MOVING ARTICHOKE CREATURES THEY SEEM TO BE THE FAVORITES " chi chi" STILL THE FOOD IS MORE POPULAR THAN THE SCULPTURES BATTERED AND FRIED THIS DISH SEEMS TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY

AND MAYBE A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.

ITALY, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU. I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE COUNTRY NOW. IT'S THE NETHERLANDS. ALL HAIL QUEEN BEATRIX. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER REIGN, BUT I DO KNOW THIS SHE'S A CONVENIENT EXCUSE FOR ONE HELL OF A KEGGER AND I LIKE TO DRINK.

OPEN WIDE PEOPLE, GOOD TIMES ARE COMING THROUGH. EVERY SPRING QUEEN'S DAY TURNS THE NETHERLANDS INTO THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FRAT PARTY WITH DANCING AND DRINKING AND A LOT OF POINTING FOR SOME REASON. APPARENTLY IN AMSTERDAM THE FINGER IS A SIGN OF AFFECTION. LOVE YOU TOO MAN. ROCK ON! WHOHOOO. THE DUTCH QUEEN, NOT HERE DESCENDS FROM THE HOUSE OF ORANGE WHICH EXPLAINS THE FASHION CHOICES. SO, HERE IS YOUR BIG CHANCE TO SEE AND BE SEEN IN YOUR TANGERINE BOA HAT, YOUR ENORMOUS FAKE BOOBS OR WITH EGG YOLK ALL OVER YOUR FACE. YES, GAMES ABOUND ON QUEEN'S DAY AND AS WITH ANY HOLIDAY, THERE ARE SALES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK. HEY CURB SIDE FOOT MASSAGES EWWWW ON SECOND THOUGHT I REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT UGH. IN NEW YORK, NO PUBLIC FOOT MASSAGES, THANK GOD. BUT THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS ARE IN FULL BLOOM. AND THEY INSPIRE THE AR- TESTS OF THE ANNUAL SAKURA MATSURI. I DIDN'T SAY THEY INSPIRED GREATNESS. THEY JUST INSPIRED SOMETHING.

DRUMS DANCING SPINNING AND JUMPING JUST A WARM UP FOR THE CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVAL IN BROOKLYN'S BOTANIC GARDENS THIS HAS BEEN NEW YORK'S BIG SPRING WELCOME FOR 25 YEARS PEOPLE HERE ARE TREATED TO A HUGE DOSE OF JAPANESE CULTURE.

" You want to see samuri? " Yeah!" YEAH! WHAT'S MORE JAPANESE THAN SAMURI? HEY LADY LET ' EM FIGHT. THREE ON ONE! THE BIG KNOCKOUT! THE OVERLY DRAMATIC DYING SCENE IT'S ALL VERY KUNG FU " I'll wait for you here." (kung fu fighting in girl's voice) DOWN TO THE LIP-FLAP VOICE OVER

NICE. BY THE WAY I'M NOT SURE DOING THE ROBOT DANCE AND HUMPING A FIGHTING POLE IS SOMETHING REAL SAMURI WARRIORS WOULD DO " mmm yummy " THEN AGAIN THIS BAND DOESN'T SCREAM JAPANESE CULTURE TO ME, EITHER " ahhhh" BUT APPARENTLY GAIJIN (GAH- JEEN) A GO-GO IS HUGE JUST NOT IN THE U-S " We went over to Japan to become pop stars there, and no one really knew who we were here

THAT'S NOT LIKELY TO CHANGE BUT YOU NEVER KNOW THESE AMERICAN KIDS ARE FANS OF JAPANESE ANIME " He's the buffet of manliness. Yeah, I'm the buffet of manliness. You're what? The buffet of manliness. It's true, I mean. Pppptttthhhhfffft" SORRY ANIME DOES NOT EQUAL MANLY. EVER.

MAYBE THAT'S NOT FAIR. I SUPPOSE ANIMATED CHARACTERS CAN BE MANLY. LOOK AT SUPERMAN. BATMAN. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! COME ON, YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK ARNOLD WAS REAL, DID YOU? ANYWAY, HERE'S TO FAKE HEROES! WHETHER YOU THINK IT'S DORKY OR NOT MANY PEOPLE OF MANY AGES ARE REALLY INTO COMIC BOOKS IN FACT THERE'S EVEN A FREE COMIC BOOK DAY EVERY YEAR AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE AT SAMURI COMICS IN PHOENIX WELL THAT AND TO GET A LOOK AT THE MANY MEMBERS OF THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE " The movies might be done now but there're still lots of video games and comic books." (kid grabs saber) IT'S TRUE NO ONE ATTRACTS ATTENTION LIKE STAR WARS CHARACTERS AND THE STORM TROOPERS ARE A BIG HIT! " Hello sweeties. How are you today?" " We do a lot of charity events, we do visits to children's hospitals, we do toys for tots" HEY WAIT A MINUTE STORM TROOPERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL!

SO WHY ARE THESE ALL FRIENDLY? "Say Star Wars" Star Wars COULD IT BE A CHANGE OF HEART? OR MAYBE JUST ALL PART OF A DIABOLICAL PLAN, AHHH HA HA

That's actually happened once." AND THOSE TWO KIDS KNOW IT! "you suck" " See, I get a lot of that some from these little punk kids." I'D WATCH OUT PUNK KIDS

STORM TROOPERS DON'T TAKE S# IT FROM ANYONE. IN A MINUTE, HOLY SEA CUCUMBER! IT'S A FLOATING SURPRISE. AND A BATTLE RAGES IN A MAJOR U- S CITY NEWS TO MOST OF YOU, I'M SURE. DON'T YOU PEOPLE READ??? BE RIGHT BACK.

YA KNOW, EVERY NOW AND AGAIN IT HAPPENS A GUY WANTS TO SHOW ME HIS SNAKE. BUT THAT'S A FAR CRY FROM PARADING SAID SNAKE ALONG A PUBLIC STREET, WITH EVERYBODY SNAPPING PICTURES. I THINK THAT'S SICK. BUT APPARENTLY, THAT'S JUST ME. THE PEOPLE OF COCULLO, ITALY, CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE CREEPY CRAWLY SCALY THINGS. Hey THEY WEAR THEM AS NECKLACES HANDBAGS AND BRACELETS JUST LIKE MICKEY EARS IN DISNEYLAND ONLY PERVERTED. BUT LEST YOU FORGET THIS # IS# ITALY, HERE COMES THE OBLIGATORY SAINT STATUE TO REMIND YOU. YES, THIS IS A RELIGIOUS EVENT. THE FIRST THURSDAY IN MAY, THE VILLAGERS GATHER SNAKES FROM THE SURROUNDING COUNTRYSIDE, AND SET THEM TO SLITHERING ALL OVER SAINT DOMINIC HERE. THEN THE SNAKE-COVERED SAINT MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWDED STREETS, ALONG WITH A PROCESSION OF THE FAITHFUL. AND IN HIS GRATITUDE, SAINT DOMINIC PROTECTS THE TOWNSPEOPLE FROM VENOMOUS SNAKE BITES. GEEZ. HE REALLY # IS# A SAINT. NO WAY I'M DOING THAT

OH, WE'RE NOT DONE WITH THE SNAKES YET. YOU KNOW HOW MUSEUMS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FULL OF OLD STUFF? WELL, THIS MUSEUM IN ST. PETERSBURG REALLY NAILS THE CONCEPT. YEAH, HITS IT RIGHT ON THE HEAD.

SO THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ALL THIS STUFF WAS COLLECTED BY A PROCTOLOGIST, (THAT IS A BUTT DOCTOR) AND THAT IS SOOOO NOT A TURN ON SO THE MUSEUM WORKERS DRESS IN WHITE COATS AND IN SOME CASES LITTLE ELSE. AHHH AG OOOGH, OOGH OUR RUSSIAN TRANSLATOR IS DRUNK ON VODKA (TYPICAL) AND SAYS SHE JUST SAID HER NAME IS NAUGHTY NURSE NOOKIE. (INTERPRETER) NAUGHTY NURSE NOOKIE, AHH HA, HA, HA. I DON'T BELIEVE EM, ANYWAYS SO THIS DOCTOR APPARENTLY HAD A THING FOR SCHLONGS LIKE THE PENIS BOAT, COMPLETE WITH LITTLE PENIS OARS. NAUGHTY TOYS, UH WHEN PIGS SCREW CLOCK (OINK, OINK, OINK) DIRTY WELL ENDOWED FIGURINES. GASPS! BUT THE CRE ME DE LA CRE ME OF THIS MUSEUM A SEVERED 13 INCH PENIS. SHE SAID I'VE SEEN BIGGER (HE,HE,HE,HE) THIS MONSTROUS MEMBER IS SAID TO BELONG TO A RUSSIAN CZAR FAVORITE GREGORY RASPUTIN. WHO DIED IN 1916. EWWWWWW. THERE IS SOME DISPUTE ABOUT WHETHER THIS IS EVEN A REAL PEE PEE, DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE, STILL GROSS. I GUESS YOU CAN MAKE A MUSEUM OUT OF JUST ABOUT ANYTHING. HEY, NEW YORKERS LIKE TO CELEBRATE THEIR HISTORY, TOO. ALL OF IT. INCLUDING THE WHACKINGS. AND THE DRIVE-BY'S. ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE DRIVE BYS. " 1-2-3 go!" NEW YORK'S CHINATOWN IS BEING INVADED BY A BUNCH OF WANNABE MOBSTERS " We robbed a couple of people just to get in the mood tried to steal some turtles" THIS IS A MOB SCAVENGER HUNT WHERE TEAMS GET TOGETHER FOLLOW CLUES " The clue is we gotta run to montbeard and canal." AND LOOK FOR ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS ABOUT MAFIA HISTORY " Is that the most expensive Ginseng?" SOMETIMES PLAYERS ARE LED TO DISGUSTING CLUES " Blah, blah blah blah blah.." OTHER TIMES THEY'RE INNOCENTLY SEXUAL LIKE MEI DICK " Speaking of which, I should probably go in for a trim." OO SAY HELLO TO MY LEETTLE FRIEND AND THERE'S ALWAYS THE NOT SO FRIENDLY COMPETITION TO WATCH OUT FOR " Wait wait, can I say something? How are you're little feet holding up? Can I say something? You're a whore. Can I say something? You're not very clever." WHEN THE TWO HOURS ARE UP A GROUP OF FOUR LADIES FROM PENNSYLVANIA WIN THE BIG PRIZE! T-SHIRTS WOW. " Yeah, I rented the Godfather and Gangs of New York. No wonder we won. That's why she's so good." NOT AS HAPPY THE SORE LOSERS " We finished third. There were two questions that are under protest." QUICK REMINDER THE WINNERS GOT # T-SHIRTS# ! AT LEAST THE LOSERS DIDN'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE FISHES. I'M NOT SURE I CAN SAY THE SAME FOR THIS CROWD.

CHECK OUT THE TITS! HEY THAT'S THE NAME OF THIS GROUP THEY'RE JUST ONE OF THE DOZENS OF TEAMS HOPING TO WIN THE KINETICS RACE IN BOULDER AND YES THEY'RE ALL A LITTLE NUTTY OUCH THAT'S A WOMAN ON THE MAT. LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN.

" What do you do with a hunk of ship, what do you do with a pile of ship" THERE ARE RULES THE CRAFT HAS TO BE MOBILE ON BOTH LAND AND WATER EITHER PEDALING OR ROWING IS ACCEPTABLE " alright, whooooo!" CONTESTANTS MUST DRESS UP AND SHOW SOME ENTHUSIASM " 30 year old virgins rule! Yeah!" HMM THEY'RE PROBABLY WISHING FOR THAT WET HUMMER RIGHT ABOUT NOW ONCE OUT OF THE WATER THE CRAFTS HAVE TO BE HOISTED AND PULLED OVER A HILL INTO A MUD BATH NOT AN EASY TASK BUT THEY SEEM TO LIKE THE ATTENTION " Who wants to be on TV?" PROBABLY NOT THESE TWO KIDS WHO WERE APPARENTLY BUSTED WITH BEER IN THEIR UNDERAGE HANDS. OOPS! YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM THERE? NOT ENOUGH SINKAGE! WHERE'S THE FUN IF NO ONE'S BOBBING AND YELLING, ?HELP ME! HELP ME!?? MAYBE THAT ?S BECAUSE ALL OF COLORADO'S BIGGEST BOZOS WERE TRAPPED ON DRY LAND IN DOWNTOWN DENVER, CHASING AFTER PIECES OF CLOTH.

SUCH EXCITEMENT OVER A LITTLE GAME " All I want to say baby, is capture this. Yeah. Capture that. Uhhh." " I'm just hoping I don't get arrested." THIS LARGE GROUP IS GEARING UP FOR A GIANT CAPTURE THE FLAG COMPETITION IN DOWNTOWN DENVER GREEN AGAINST THE BLUE FLAGS TIED IN TREES AND ON ROAD SIGNS CLOSELY GUARDED " Denver's a great city, and we have the run of downtown, Saturday night, it's not that busy down here, and we thought we could have fun." " Get the flag, get it, get it! Run, run run OF COURSE THERE IS THE TRAFFIC AND THE POTENTIAL FOR ACCIDENTS " I hope you guys aren't hanging out in the streets, because if you get hit by a car it's not my fault, it's yours." BUT ALL OF THIS RUNNING AND CHASING IS JUST PART OF THE ADRENALINE RUSH LIVING ON THE EDGE TAKING CHANCES IT ENOUGH TO MAKE EVEN BIG BURLY GUYS MOUTH OFF LIKE EXCITED LITTLE GIRLS " We've had a few mobs actually that were just outrageous. That was nuts." AND WHEN IT'S ALL OVER THE VOMIT IS SPILLED " I hope that was the girl I chased down." THE SHIRTS ARE OFF " It was my Indian war cry. I had to take it off AND POLITICALLY INCORRECT COMMENTS SPEW FORTH " There was this old couple and they were completely scared because we were running at them and we almost ran into them and we almost killed them." AND SOMEHOW EVERYONE SURVIVED WELL THEY DID HAVE THE BEER TO LOOK FORWARD TO HELLO!

DID SOMEONE SAY BEER? CAUSE I THOUGHT I HEARD BEER. I'M KATIE DARYL, AND THAT'S DEADLINE.